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This section dedicated to the humorous side of this great spring adventure. For some reason, late winter starts to bring about the conversations of mushrooms and being out in the woods. Stories of the past year's hunts and hikes start to surface and you begin to get this undescribable urge as your mind begins thinking about the coming year's hunt.


While your here, check out the some of the stories that have been sent to The Great Morel. As far as the stories go, The Great Morel will leave it up to you as to validity of them. Enjoy though...

"Life begins when the season starts..."

a quote by Brianna Axtell in southeast Minnesota


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Mushroom Hunting Theories - Myths or Truths???

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Have ya ever been curious as to what a mushroom sounds like?


 

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Here are a few items of interest that have been suggested in preparing for the coming spring adventure:



The Six Week Training Regiment

Below is the suggested pre-expediton mental and physical training regiment:



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Equipment list required for all shroomers

  • Durable, long and baggy pants.
  • Long sleeved shirt and jacket. (preferably waterproof and ability to shed briars)
  • Hat, baseball style. (Light colored if you're hunting in a group, dark colored if you're hunting on someone else's property.
  • Walking stick. Any stick that will support your weight and prevent you from falling down hills and used to lift underbrush to uncover the hidden shrooms.
  • Hiking boots. Waterproof and at least over-the-ankle in height.
  • Mushroom holding sack. Preferably made from cloth or mesh, as plastic does not allow the shrooms to breathe. Onion bags are a preference of many.
  • Vehicle - No matter how hard you try to prevent it, the vehicle will get dirty. Wet dogs don't try to prevent getting the vehicle dirty.
  • Labrador Retriever. (Black, yellow, or Chocolate) They do not have to have a nose for shrooms, but wow are fun to watch run like the wind through the woods.
  • Relatives and good friends. The more the merrier.

Courtesy of Dan Wood.



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Wayneıs Wacky Mushroom Glossary

İ Wayne Harrison, publisher of Mycelium
  • acute - a description of a good looking mushroom, when used in a sentence such as, "That is acute shroom!"
  • annulus - The rear end of a mushroom. Something you donıt discuss on a family web page.
  • areolate - looking like nipples. Something else you donıt discuss on a family web page.
  • ascus - a derogatory term describing another mushroom hunter you donıt like. Used in a sentence such as, "What an ascus."
  • autodigestion - eating in the car on the way to mushroom hunting grounds.
  • bolete - The very best of the bowlers. "Theyıre the bolete!" Despite what you hear it has nothing to do with mushrooms
  • buff - foraying with no clothes on
  • butt rot - what you get from being too flaccid (see flaccid)
  • cap - what you wear when foraying (If you needed to look this one up, you should let someone else drive to the foray site)
  • capitate - after cutting a mushroom off at the ground, and finding you donıt want it, you put it back the way it was. In other words, you decapitate it, then capitate it.
  • cellular - within cell phone range while foraying
  • cellulose - the stuff plastic specimen bags are made of
  • collarlike - a religious mushroom hunter, refering to the clerical collar they might wear
  • conk - what you do if you catch someone in your patch. You ³conk² them on the head.
  • convoluted - the directions you give to your favorite mushroom spot so they wonıt find it
  • cortina - what you see mushrooms with (inside your eye)
  • decurrent - used in a sentence to as the time or date, as in Whatıs decurrent time?
  • deliquescing - stopping at a deli to relax on the way to or from a foray
  • depressed - what you are when you find someoneıs been there before you
  • distant - where the best mushrooms are from you
  • eccentric - most mushroom hunters
  • expanded - what many mushroom hunters are from eating too many gourmet meals
  • flaccid - what male mushroom hunters are after eating a gourmet meal
  • free - what wild mushrooms are, compared to store bought
  • fruiting body - mushroomer capable of bearing children
  • fungophile - the list you keep of your best mushroom hunting areas
  • funiculus - something you donıt discuss on a family web page
  • gastroid - what you feel like after eating too much at the Cook and Taste
  • genus - someone who knows everything about mushrooms
  • globose - what you hope you donıt look like after eating too many gourmet mushroom meals
  • heart rot - what you get from cooking your mushrooms in butter, instead of olive oil
  • indeterminate - when you donıt know where to go mushroom hunting
  • lumper - something to hit other mushroomers on the head with if they invade your ³patch²
  • marginate - used instead of butter in cooking mushrooms
  • membranous - another term for a really smart mushroomer (see genus)
  • notched - what you are after drinking too much wine at the foray lunch
  • obtuse - what you become to other people after drinking too much wine at the foray lunch
  • persistent - what you have to be to find the best mushroom spots
  • pocket rot - what happens when you leave a specimen in your jeans for a week or two
  • pubescent - what you are if you start mushrooming before age 10
  • recurved - a female mushroomer who went to a plastic surgeon
  • splitter - a mushroomer who constantly expells saliva while on a foray
  • stuffed - what you are after a great mushroom meal
  • superior - what you feel when you have a full basket of mushrooms
  • top rot - a ball-headed mushroomer
  • volva - what some mushroomers drive to the foray spot
  • warts - what you wonıt get from touching mushrooms

(for the scientific definitions, please read David Arora's Mushrooms Demystified, and turn to the Glossary at the back of the book) Courtesy of http://www.gmushrooms.com/MushDemys.htm and printed with permission.

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The Mushroom War Of '94

Well it was an April mornin' wet and warm
Seventy degrees after a thunderstorm
I stuffed a breadsack in my back pocket and I headed out for the woods
I seen a couple kids spittin' off'a the bridge
So I slipped along the fence-line and I low-crawled the ridge
But when I seen those footprints, buddy I lost all sense of right, wrong, bad or good

It's the mushroom war of '94
I hereby declare it and I'll tell ya what's more
Those scum-suckin' slime buckets leavin' those stumps
Are goin' down for sure
You can beat me to my fishin' hole, there's plenty of fish
But when you start takin' fungus off a good ol boys dish

It's time for the mushroom war of '94
Well I heard some voices thru the trees
Just'a laughin' perty as ya please
They were haulin' out my harvest in some fancy burlap sack
I sat right down, took off my socks
Filled 'em full of walnuts and some heavy old rocks
Then I took off screamin' towards them mushroom thievin' demons
Lookin' for some heads to crack

It's the mushroom war of '94
Thain't the kinda mushrooms you can buy at the store
Them slick-chicken patch-pickin' low-life slugs
Are messin with my spores
You can rob my garden blind late in the night
But touch my morels and ya best be ready to fight

It's the mushroom war of '94
I came up on 'em like a wild-man and said
With both socks swingin' above my head
Mushroom image If ya wanna see tomorrow boys ya better drop that bag right there
Well one of 'em tried goin' for a stick layin' near
So I popped him with my sock-o-rocks upside of his ear
His ear popped, the bag dropped, his buddy took to runnin'
Guess I made myself real clear

It's the mushroom war of '94
If ya think ya want my mushrooms well ya better think some more Snake-bellied, brain-jellied, timber-trackin-cleptos ain't somethin' I'd ignore
You can take my dog and turn him into mexican food
But pullin' up my poppers, well now that's gettin' rude

You'll be in for a war like '94
Well that's my story and it's all true
Except for the beginning and the rest the way through
But ya gotta admit those footprints have made ya feel that way before
Well keep your good wool socks on your feet for the snow
But keep a spare pair around close cause ya just never know
When you'll be in for a war like '94.....



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Bob the Morel...???

(dont' ask, The Great Morel does not write them, just publishes them)

Dear Great Morel and the Mushroom Warriors,
This is a story of epic proportions. It was the great hunt of '89 ya see and well me and three of my buddies decided to go out and git us some supper. Ya know, the morel supper. Well we took off about 7:00, or maybe it was 8:00........naw it was about 11:30 because me and the boys were up late the night before watchin the dog fights ya see. But anyways, we a set out real quiet like. Before I knew it, I was split up from the boys. Now some people say it was the moonshine I was a drinkin, but I think it was the morels playin their jedi mind tricks so they could take us on one by one. You know how tricky they can git. Well I was walkin along using my ninja like senses when all of a sudden I was flat on my face. I look down and I guess I had tripped on that stump. Now most people will tell ya that it was because I was drunker than two legged dog tryin to hump a dead tree stump. But we morel hunters know darn well how they like to just spring up under logs so that they can knock us on our ass. Damn tricky ass mushrooms. But when I looked up, there he was the morel of all morels. He must have stood 2......no, 4 feet tall. And his name was Bob. Well I did what comes natural to all us veteran morel hunters. I charged the son of a bitch. I mean I threw everything I had at him including my fists. But the next thing I knew, he had me on my back and then everything went black. I woke up three days later in jail with the letter B tattoed on each but cheek. Now what they charged me with was felonious assault on circus midgets. But we morel hunters know what really happened. So a warning to all you rookie mushroom hunters, beware of their Jedi mind tricks. And if you ever see the legendary Bob Morel, cover your #$$ and run.
....Snork



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May is morel madness month

This is the season when animals, crazed with mating fever, blunder onto highways, oblivious of oncoming traffic. Perhaps not coincidentally, this is also morel mushroom season, when otherwise rational individuals abandon their families or call in sick from work to pursue an illusive fungus that is a second cousin to athlete's foot. Some say morels are good to eat. Walnuts are also good to eat. But, in Iowa, most walnuts that are not run over by lawn mowers or raked into trashcans are left for the squirrels.The morel, like Beluga caviar, is considered an expensive delicacy for those with the refined taste to appreciate it. There might be annual Beluga festivals if the stuff could be harvested in your own back yard, without having to personally remove it from a large toothy fish. But it's not as if hunting mushrooms is not dangerous. Mushroom image The chance that you might get sick or die from eating the wrong kind of mushroom is part of the attraction. Lots of people have died from eating mushrooms, including the Roman emperor Claudius, who should have known better than to eat his wife's cooking in the first place. Mushrooms are like spiders. They evoke images of death and decay. They thrive in dark secretive rotting places that make the average person shudder.

Maybe more people would eat spiders, if they weren't so common. Morels sell for about $20 a pound. If you leave them sitting on the kitchen counter for two days, they melt into a festering ooze you couldn't pay somebody $20 to scoop into the trash. The perishable nature of morels contributes to their reputation as a dainty treat for sophisticated palettes. The state of Michigan is mad about mushrooms, holding an annual National Mushroom Festival every May. In 1984, 17,000 people attended the festival and over a half million participated in the mushroom hunt that month. Paris has hundreds of miles of mushroom beds in caves beneath the city. Chester County, Pennsylvania produces half the US production of mushrooms. There, pickers wear miner's hats with lamps to harvest the precious crop.

A true mushroomer has a little larceny in his heart. He wants something rare and expensive - and he wants it for free. The best place to hunt morels is on someone else's property. If you're not trespassing, you don't get the genuine morel experience.

It takes a special kind of person to hunt morels. If you're wondering if you have what it takes, the following test might help you decide: You have been hunting unsuccessfully for morels for hours when suddenly, you trip over a wet log and break your leg and, simultaneously, discover a huge patch of yellow morels. When you hear a distant hiker walking by, you... (a) call for help (b) pick all the mushrooms in sight before calling for help or (c) pick all the mushrooms in sight. Then, drag yourself back to your car and set your broken leg yourself because the doctor might horn in on your morels while you're in traction.

If you did not answer (c), chances are, you probably also think $20 a pound is a lot to pay for mushrooms.

Re-printed with permission by the author (written for local paper in Mount Vernon, Iowa.)


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A Poem...

"Here's a poem I wrote for my father-in-law, one of the great morel hunters!"
 
It was a magic day in early May,
    when Grandpa did arrive to say,
        "It's time to hunt    
                for mushrooms."
 
With special sticks and sacks in hand
    we hunted, searched, and scoured the land,
        all for the love
            of mushrooms.
 
We felt the prick of many a rose
    as we traversed the path he chose,
         in the quest for the
            mightiest mushrooms.
 
We learned of plants and birds and trees
    while we crawled around on hands and knees
        looking for theMushroom image 
            elusive mushrooms.
 
Oh, Grandpa dear, you are the one
    who taught us how to have such fun
        while harvesting
            those mushrooms.
 
So this year, remember, in early May,
    we will reserve a special day
        for us all to look and laugh
        and play............
 
           and maybe even find
                   some mushrooms.
 


Another Poem...

Courtesy of

 
My Fellow Mycologists 
 
We did not find them in the wood
Although I was so sure we could.
 
We did not find them in the grass
It was so tall it almost tickled my elbow.
 
We did not find them by the road
I was so sure - I just knowed------
 
We did not find them by the river
No, never, never, never.
 
We did not find them in the corn or wheat
But an old corncob made my heart skip a beat.
 
We did not find them around the lake
But we did chase out a vicious snake.
 
We did not find them in the slough
Though we walked it through and through.
 
We did find nettles, poison ivy and ticks
And thorn bushes that gave us nasty pricks.
  
We got sunburned heads, necks, and arms
Blistered feet, parched throats, but no REAL harm.
 
There’s something on my leg and in my pants
When you mess with Mother Nature you don’t stand a chance.
 
We stumbled over logs and crawled under bushes
Oh, for a genie with 3 magic wishes!
 
That bunny that just ran by had fangs
Isn’t that a bit queer.
Good grief almighty, get me out of HEREEEEE!
Let’s go home and have a cold beer.
 
Man ----wasn’t that the greatest day.
 
What say, we take off again around noon tomorrow...


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And yet another Poem...

Courtesy of Rich Mattas in Elizabeth, Illinois (April 2010)

 
Ode to a Morel

Oh, tiny morsel of supreme delectability,
I pursue thee over hill and dale for thy edibility.
In spite of being a fungus of wondrous distinction,
Thou hast a meek and humble disposition.

Thy countenance is difficult to perceive,
Remaining hidden beneath twigs and leaves.
Only the just and deserving may espy 
The secret recesses thou dost occupy.

Once found thou art quickly mined
And placed in a sack with others of your kind.
The journey home is a simple chore
While thinking of meals thy will adorn.

And so I return with a treasure trove
Of mushrooms worth their weight in gold.
During a limited time in the Spring
Thee allows me to feast like a king.

To thee, delicious saprophyte, all credit is due
For flavoring the soup and the stew.
Although from the lowest origins thee appears
Thou art esteemed throughout the years.



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Sayings...

The morel of the story is ...
We have a high morel count ...
No lack of morels here ...
We are not suffering from low morel ...


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Morel Haikus...

Courtesy of

Hey here's a few morel haikus I made up, according to the 5-7-5 syllable rule that most of us all learned in grade school. Hope ya like em.

lol! Brown wrinkly features
camouflaged in the forest.
S**T! I stepped on one!!

Morels in the woods
See strangers in the distance.
Grrrrr, jumpin my claim.

Novice shroom hunters
Where do you find them? they say.
Guffaw in their face.

Phone call while cooking.
Dog snarfs my shrooms from the pan.
He's buried in yard.

Fell down while shroomin'.
Compound fracture through the skin
That's what bone looks like!

Searching for morels,
brushing against the branches.
TTIICCKK!! Get it off me!!!

Morels in the bowl.
Little bugs abandon ship.
Rinse! Rinse 'em again!

Stop! Can ya smell 'em?
Fungal spores hang in the air.
Just follow your nose!

Half free, dog pecker.
Whatever you're callin' em.
They still fall apart.

Long day of shroomin'.
Quit or look over this hill.
...Found the muthalode!


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Morel Values...

Courtesy of Northfield, MN

Another wonderfully written poem titled Morel Values

I'll share with you a secret,
If you promise not to tell.
About a tasty mushroom,
It's known as the Morel.

Some people plan all winter,
It's why they wait for spring.
To go afield out searching,
For that delightful little thing.

When lilacs have turned purple,
And about to go to bloom,
It's time to be out looking
for your favorite mushroom.

You'll be puting up with woodticks,
And nettle weed that stings.
But I guess it's all quite worth it,
For all the joy it brings.

When you bring this your treasure,
That a hat would barely fill,
But will make one meal so special,
For this an annual thrill.

Some fry them up in butter,
Or put them in a stew.
You can dice them up for meatloaf,
I guess it's up to you.

So if you find yourself a spot,
Where the tasty mushrooms sprout,
You dare not breath a word of it,
That's what it's all about.

Cause if you share it with a friend,
Though sworn to secrecy,
Next year you'll go back to your spot,
And there your friend will be!


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A poem appropriately titled....Morel Mushroom

Courtesy of

"I thought you might be able to use something like this in one of your newsletters. You have my permission to extract and publish it in any way you deem appropriate. Thank you, L.E. Sims"

You'll need Adobe Reader to read this, if you have it then click here and enjoy.


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From the Mushroom Gods....

PS - In order to hunt successfully the next day, you must snap your walking stick in half and toss it into the woods as you leave as a sacrifice to the Mushroom Gods of the Woods. Otherwise you'll get skunked the next day. Trust me, they're watching you.

Courtesy of , Northern Michigan

 

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The Old Ash Tree....

After a little bit of walking,
my bladder and I did not agree.
I needed to relieve myself,
by the old ash tree.
Upon squatting in the forest leaves,
But what did I see.
A big fat mushroom staring back at me!

Courtesy of Courtesy of Judy Stockwell (story is based in Vanderbilt, Mi 2005)

 


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Warning and Disclaimer

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Patch of Morels
Morel stories...

of family, friends and
the joys of hunting.


Contributions from fellow
shoomers of their morel
adventures, fortunes and
misfortunes.



Teach your kids to hunt!

More Info

Morels and Cream
The Recipes...

which are sure to please
most any pallet.

A wonderful variety of the best morel recipes you will ever stumble across, such as morels and cream over pork.

Teach your kids to hunt!

More Info

12 Yellows
Photography

that puts you up close and personal.

See the beauty of the morel in its natural setting, shoomers boasting on the big one, as well as many other fine images.


Teach your kids to hunt!

More Info

As told by shoomers
Head for the kitchen
The beauty of...

 

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